I hate how time flies so fast, especially when I don't want it to. My 4 weeks of "vacation" are coming to a close, and I drive down to Kings Canyon National Park tomorrow for a teen diabetes camp elective. Then I have 2 more electives, and soon the fall quarter will be upon me. I'm planning to take off fall and winter quarters, but haven't yet received an approval signature from the Dean because I haven't yet figured out my plans. I also have to apply to residency programs this summer, which is freaking me out because I have such a hard time writing the personal statement (although it's a rare person who would actually enjoy that activity). It's been such a relaxing month, indulging in tv, leisurely reading, and dinners out with my friends. I'm scared about the future and unsure of my decisions, and have a constantly nagging feeling that I'm not good enough for this profession. Part of me wants to accept being average in my field, but the part of me that wants to be the best makes me feel guilty for not trying harder. Sadly, my laziness wins out over my drive to work harder and I often feel like I'm plodding along, waiting for this part of my life to be over. And it's scary to realize that each day really is another day closer to death.

I remember the first time my sister told me (half-jokingly, I think), that she wanted to be a housewife when she grew up; I was indignant that that thought would even enter her mind. But having a light research schedule away from rotations last year gave me a tantalizing taste of what that life could be like, and it was sweet. Of course, I'd need money and friends to play with, because being at home by myself all day can get boring after 1.5 weeks, but it's so nice to not worry about impressing other people, proving my knowledge, or making a sick person sicker. Hopefully this is just a funk that will soon pass.

Last night, I dreamt that my mom had tried to poison my dad slowly over the years by putting arsenic in his food, which was why she always served his dishes separately from the rest of ours. Luckily, the poisoning was discovered before anything fatal occurred. However, when we confronted her about it, she got mad at us for getting mad at her. It was all very convoluted and frustrating trying to reason with her. Needless to say, I woke up feeling somewhat anxious, but I think they're ok and not in poisoning/poisoned states ;p.

In other random musings, I've been disheartened to learn of recent events going on with a person whom I thought of as a good friend. In fact, it turns out they haven't really shared what's been going on their life with me. I'm a little more invested in this person than I should be, so I guess it's also partly my fault for even caring. This in combination with my month off (ie, too much time to think) makes me want to stay in bed all day, save for occasional ventures to the kitchen for ice cream.

I also just found out (in trying to look up "dreamt" vs. "dreamed") that bartleby.com no longer has a link to the american heritage dictionary. How crappy.

I've been inspired by Lisa and have decided to start blogging my dreams when I remember to, also in part b/c I realize that no one else is as interested in them as I am (ahem, a certain sibling)...and this is my personal forum, so why not? :)

Last night, I dreamt that I was in some cabin in the woods - it was both a camping trip with my family as well as a wedding preparation night since I was going to be a bridesmaid, I think for Assal. But, it was confusing b/c I was also supposed to be donating a kidney to my sister and/or Assal. [I think this was a combo of being a bridesmaid recently and of seeing trailers for "My Sister's Keeper" on tv.] I was upset, though, because no one knew whether or not my kidney(s?) had actually been donated and I couldn't tell. On top of that, Assal had shoved by me earlier, knocking me to the ground, without any mention of thanks for my organ.

Luckily, I woke up soon after and found out that my kidneys were functioning perfectly fine :).

In other news, I don't have any rotations scheduled this month. It should feel like vacation time, but like all things in med school, I feel like I can't really give myself a break. I have to start preparing for residency applications, which includes taking step 2 board exams, preparing my personal statement (always a horrid, dreaded task), and asking for letters of rec. In addition, I still haven't taken in my car for a check up b/c the "low tire pressure" indicator light has been lit...for a couple of months ;p. At least I finally got a check up last week, 4 years after my previous one! Someone posted this on FB awhile ago, and I definitely see how true it is: "If it's not one thing, it's something else."

my upstairs neighbor got a wii. and it sounds like it came with a DDR game or something. let's hope the structure of our building is very strong :/

I think I'm finally paying for all the ice cream I ate in the summer...my tummy has been expanding, and all my pants are tighter. I get full much faster, but have not yet been able to cut down on the amount of food I'm eating. This has been especially difficult at home, where my mom thinks things are not right if I'm not eating something every 5 minutes. So far, being 26 is not that fun, especially the slowed metabolism part. Even running in the park in Novemeber didn't do much for my body, although I felt my endurance increase a bit (yay!).

Anyway, I can't believe how quickly these past 6 months of my time off/research time has passed. I had a wonderful summer with friends' weddings, eating out a lot, exploring SF more, and just enjoying life in general. Hopefully I will remember the good times when I'm back on wards in January...starting with the dreaded medicine sub-internship. Sigh. Goodbye life of relaxation, sleep, and fun. Hopefully we meet again soon!

I read this online today: Attraction is not a choice. It just happens.
Unfortunate, but very true.

Also, I had lunch w/a friend, but I overpaid by about 2 bucks (and it was a cheap lunch) because I brought a coupon and didn't calculate things correctly (I'm terrible at doing math on the spot). My friend, who is extremely good in academics, didn't say anything, so now I'm annoyed. boo.

Since when did eating lots of ice cream become synonymous with being lonely and/or depressed? Man, I just think it tastes good.

I can't believe Barack won!! An amazing event happened tonight, and I was one of millions who helped make it happen. Haha, my roommate and I took pictures with Barack on TV to record the momentous occasion. Back in middle school, my history teacher noted that America would elect a black president before they elected a female president, and I guess that prediction came true. Well, I can only hope that the future continues to bring progress and open minds.

I'm really excited to see where Obama takes us, but am scared that he will screw up, especially since he will be under extremely close scrutiny (in part, no doubt, due to his race), and has to work with the mess that Bush has created. I'm also scared about crazy racists out there who might get it in their heads to try and harm him or his family. But it's nice to see an intelligent, well-educated, and culturally competent man stand at the helm of our county. I admit, he's a politician, and like McCain, he's often said things that voters want to hear, but I really, really hope he is able to do good things for our country. People who believe in discussion and don't charge bullishly ahead insisting "might is right" tend to be better facilitators, and it's always useful to have a skilled facilitator around.

In other news, I've been sorely disappointed in how our state is voting on Prop. 8. It's easy to argue with those who are simply homophobic and are obviously being discriminatory in voting yes on Prop. 8, but it's trickier to reason with minority groups (ahem, Asian parents) who believe that, traditionally, marriage is only between a man and a woman. Well, tradition also made Chinese women bind their feet, denied American women the right to vote, and treated African-Americans like animals of labor. To in turn discriminate against a minority group simply because they are different is completely senseless. But I guess it does carry on the great American tradition of formerly discriminated-against groups becoming the new discriminators.

Honestly, I don't like being told what to do more than the next person. This past weekend, a friend and I were seated next to a gay couple at a restaurant, and we chatted about voting. At the end of our chat, one of the men commented, "Just please vote no on 8 - it's extremely important." I completely agree, but surprisingly felt a bit put upon because how did he know I wasn't homophobic or a conservative Christian who really thought being gay is "wrong?" So I get it when people are annoyed by the in-your-face "Vote No on 8" advocates, but another aspect to consider is that how strongly you feel about it also relates to how many gay people you actually know. If you've never met a gay person or don't have any friends who are gay, you might feel indifferent and not invested in the outcome. But to me, it's personal. I have friends, colleagues, friends of friends, and teachers who are gay. Just because they chose a partner of the same sex, who am I to refuse them a right all straight people take for granted, and to make sure I thoroughly rub salt into the wound, write it into our constitution? It's completely ridiculous. The whole financial backing of the campaign in support of 8 also proves that religion has had an extremely difficult time separating itself from politics.

Progress has been made tonight, but there's still a long, long way to go.

I'm so bored nowadays, since my research project only requires a few days of work per week. But, I'm also grateful for this boredom, since it's better than being worn down and frazzled like when I was on rotations. I've had such a junk food craving these past couple of days, and on Sunday afternoon I bought coffee ice cream, skinny cow skinny dippers in vanilla and mint, and triple chocolate drumsticks.

Today I bought kettle baked chips and dried mango. Kettle baked chips are like a dry kettle fried chip, and it just doesn't quite taste the same without that oily undertone. But, it's a decent substitute.

Other than watching the Olympics at night and going out to eat on the weekends, I'm not sure how else to entertain myself. A lot of my friends are working, go to the gym, or do productive, interesting things, so I don't have anyone to entertain me. So bored! (But I know I shouldn't take it for granted.)

The weddings of two friends are coming up this month, though - that'll be fun :).

Is both one of the best and worst things in a person's life. No one loves you unconditionally like they do, yet no one else can be so hurtful, crazy, and/or madness-inducing. I wonder what it would be like to have a normal, functional family that has healthy relationships with each other. I've heard rumors that they exist, but then again, it's just a rumor.

I went to Baker Beach last night and shot some photos. I also saw a real, live naked person, and this was my first visit - how exciting! He was doing handstands and someone was photographing him (besides me ;p). Check out the scandalousness here: http://picasaweb.google.com/lwu824/BakerBeach

There is a tall, pale, thin man w/dark hair who lives in the apartment across the street. Every time I see him exit the building, the first thing he does is light up a cigarette as he walks down the street. His face appears eerily skeletal, with slightly sunken-in eyes and thin lips. He appears to be in his early 30s, and I worry that the cigarette smoking is making him sickly. But maybe he just happens to look sickly and coincidentally is a smoker?

I still get nervous when I call strangers to ask for information. Case in point: today I called the SF Toyota Dealer to see if they would honor the coupons I have from the San Jose Toyota Dealer, and then I asked to join their mailing list. When I got off the phone, I saw that my hands were slightly shaky, and my heart was beating a little faster. It's such a minor task to perform, but I still felt unsure of myself. Funny, you think I would have outgrown this by now!

In an attempt to be healthy and frugal, I bought a pint of Soy Dream's green tea ice cream a couple of weeks ago. Bad idea, to say the lesat. Nothing can replace real ice cream. The soy ice cream was rather hard and had that unpleasant soy something (a mix of aftertaste, texture, coating) not unlike drinking american soy milk. The only way I was able to finish it was by mixing it with some delicous Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I really must remember to stick with the real thing from now on, arteries be darned (I'll just try to eat more fiber to make up for it :D).

I don't think I'll have a chance to repeat the statement in my previous post for a long time.

I'm now a 4th year med student, woot! But I'm going to extend my education for one more year and graduate in the much more distinguished year of 2010. I was hoping to start working on a pediatrics clinical research project this summer, but have yet to find the motivation to email professors for potential leads. I can't believe I've already completed 3 years of med school; the time has just flown by. A summer break like the kind we had when we were little, minus the summer school part, would be wonderfully appreciated at this point. I feel mentally exhausted, although the past 3 weeks (2 of classes and 1 of radiology) have helped me start to decompress. Each day is just another one to get through and I don't have the energy to embrace new learning experiences. My brain is fuzzy and partially melted by all the tv I've watched to escape reality. Such is the life of a burnt-out med student!

After I fill my gas tank, the gas prices inevitably start falling the next week. Drat.

I've neglected my poor LJ since starting 3rd year. One thing that I've noticed since I've had to drive to work at the VA is that San Francisco drivers are horrible, horrible drivers. I've made a few (less than 10, at the most) blunders myself, but the annoying-ness and carelessness of my fellow road people are seriously frustrating. There is still one incident that sticks in my craw - driving home one day, I came to a stop at a 4-way stop. As I slowly drove forward, this man with wild bushy white hair and beard rolled into the intersection in his convertible, completely ignoring his stop sign. Only after he had entered the intersection did he decide to glance to his left, whereupon he saw me approaching. I braked hard, and then HE threw up HIS hand at me as he drove past, as if to ask what I was doing. I was steaming the whole way home, and even thinking about it now makes me annoyed. Anyway, I have concluded that not only are SF drivers retarded, but I have also become one of those borderline road rage people. Sad. The suburbs have become driving heaven - nice wide lanes, plentiful parking, and no cars parked on the sides of the road.

In other news, I stopped at Andronico's this afternoon to pick up some snacks, and ended up going home with 3 pints of Haagen Dazs ice cream (how could I not, when they were on sale?!) - Mango, White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle, and Sticky Toffee Pudding. Sadly, my favorite Almond Hazelnut Swirl is no longer being carried in stores.

[insert segue.]

I'm on internal medicine right now, and it's hard. You have to think a lot. And I'm afraid that I'm just not a thinker. I've stayed overnight on 2 call days, and it's just exhausting. I came home post-call this past Saturday, went to bed at 4pm, and didn't get out of bed until 9am on Sunday. And that's getting off easy, compared to the interns who didn't sleep at all and had to keep working.

Ciao!

So third year. It's only my 2nd block (we started in April, each block is 8 weeks) and I already feel like I've been "working" (or would it be volunteering since we don't get paid?) forever. I started with Family Medicine, which was pretty interesting in terms of the variety of patients seen, but I always felt like I didn't have enough time to talk to them. I know ppl often feel like their docs just run in and out of the room, and it's weird to see things from the provider's end.

Highlights: I'm now starting surgery and I'm very, very lucky because I've heard lots of horror stories about cruel residents and dismissive/arrogant attendings, but I haven't really encountered that at my site. All the MDs are approachable and haven't made any special effort to humiliate or torture us. Today was pretty neat because I cut into an femoral aneurysm (this sucker was roughly 2.5x4.5 cm big) after the team had secured the other vessels. Body parts can look pretty bad when they get diseased. It's so depressing to see all these chunky, firm, plaque-filled blood vessels and know that delicious fried & fatty foods often play a role [although, cigarette smoking is one of the strongest risk factors for aneurysms (as well as a million other diseases) - at least this is one vice I don't have to worry about!].

Lowlights: I went to bed at 12:30am last night and had to get up at 5:30 this morning, then stayed at work until 7:30pm. I miss sleep.

Today I learned a new word!

Borborygmi:
Rumbling sounds caused by gas moving through the intestines (stomach "growling"). Pronounced BOR-boh-RIG-mee. The singular is borborygmus.

Can you imagine if you're with friends, and your stomach growls once - "Oh, please excuse that borborygmus."

Tonight I was eating rocky road ice cream, and then I had a vitamin with it. I felt kind of silly, but I got over it.

My TV addiction has become more detrimental. I stay up late watching random shows, then spend an extra 1 or 2 hours reading for class before going to bed. Why can't I just finish reading when I get home from school?! No idea. I'm also having a difficult time trying to integrate my boards studying into my normal school schedule. Half the time I'm fighting food coma, and half the time my hunger is distracting me. Whatever happened to the happy medium?